Zodmas: Food
Standard opening. General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas. Standard opening graphic. Nothing says “Christmas” like stuffing yourself like fat pigs. This is Food. We dissolve to the word “Food” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod. You’re bad enough you have to kill an innocent tree for your holiday; now you have to murder an innocent bird and/or swine. On Krypton, we eat recycled clay mixed with our disinfected feces. This can sustain us for many light years. It makes food fights… troublesome. in I won’t tell you where our eggnog comes from. But, coincidentally, it is also frothy and white. I must admit, for a season of perpetual love, this all does seem to center around the murder of innocent plants and animals. As well as the murder of good taste. Have you seen the inflatable Santas this year? / shudders Speaking of lack of good taste: fruitcake. It is neither fruit; and, as far as I can tell, it’s not really a cake. But there are nuts. This aggravates me. Why would you give anything that already looks like it’s been thrown out demonstrates and pressed into a brick? Is this some form of cruel Christmas punishment? If so, I approve. Let us talk about candy canes. This unleashes truth in advertising: it is candy, and they are cane-shaped. But I don’t like mint; so it shall be purged from the planet, along with all memory of it. Let us take a look at Christmas cookies. Again, why do you call them Christmas cookies? Do they practice the religion? In the new Zodonian Republic, all cookies will be ATHEIST. Or at least agnostic. And they will all be Milanos. Because I like Milanos. But not the mint kind; don’t make me vaporize you. Raisins will also be forbidden from all oatmeal cookies. Because their wrinkly exteriors remind me of the Elders of Krypton who banished me here. Guilty? It is YOU WHO ARE GUILTY, RAISINS, for being inferior and muddling up my oatmeal cookies!! And what goes better with cookies than the nutritious discharge of cow breasts? Again, you Houstonianites are all about peace and love this time of year. And yet, you enslave an animal and play with his udders for your own amusement. And, even worse, drink that amusement. Why don’t you milk YOURSELVES? On Krypton, we milk ourselves all the time! up his left fist Our milk is a cobalt BLUE! And it sustains us. We do not drink from our prairie animals. We eat our disinfected feces! Its bitter, crunchy taste makes us powerful. And is better than fruitcake. up his right hand and wiggles it a bit Though similar texture. Final sum-up: appears to the right of him that says: Food Does Not Belong in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston. It is recycled feces for all! With a side order of the pointed left-hand motion KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! I am General Zod, in and you will kneel before me. in loudly and does the pointed left-hand motion KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! finishes with a dramatic look on his face Standard credits. THE END Category:Guides Category:Content